


the choices we have

by outranks



Series: choices [1]
Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-28 03:01:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20056951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outranks/pseuds/outranks
Summary: There’s no happy ending for her. Eleanor gave her heart to Joseph and she would give anything to Joseph if she could, but those aren’t the choices she can make alone.





	the choices we have

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thefathersbride](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefathersbride/gifts).

> written for the very lovely thefathersbride who wanted some angst for Joseph and her OC Eleanor!! thank you so much for trusting me with their story ❤️❤️

The way through the compound is clear, though Eleanor chooses to leave her car behind and travel the rest of the way on foot. Maybe the fresh air will be good for her in a way nothing else has been in recent days. The night is cool and calm, and off in the distance she hears voices speaking in low, soft tones-- most likely it’s the Peggies walking their rounds to keep the Father safe-- but in spite of the quiet around her, inside her heart a storm rages. Between want and desire and duty; what’s right for her and what’s right for everyone else. 

She can see two paths ahead, even in the dark of the night. One will lead to a little house that Joseph keeps for himself, and the other will lead her back off the island and as far away from him as she can get in the small county. There are always choices and there is always a path to walk. 

No matter what she does or where she goes, she will stand victorious. She knows this in her heart the way that she knows the sun will rise and the dawn will come. She knows this as much as she knows anything, but that doesn’t make the choice any easier. Because it’s not just about where she goes, but about who will be standing beside her when the dust settles. _That_ is the decision she will have to make before all of this is over. 

The fighting started long before her, but she will be the one to end it. 

She knows what has to be done and the storm inside her heart rages on. 

There’s no happy ending for her. Eleanor gave her heart to Joseph and she would give _anything_ to Joseph if she could, the Resistance be damned, but those aren’t the choices she can make alone. Life and death-- it doesn’t matter because the blood was put on her hands as surely as if she’d bled the county dry herself. 

If only she had, then all of this would be so much easier. 

But there are too many lives at stake for her to back down now, no matter how hard her heart protests. 

She wants a house, maybe a family, maybe some pets, and a _future_. She wants Joseph with her every day and always. There are times when she even thinks of standing with him as they watch the world burn until they’re the only two people left on Earth.

The wind blows through her hair, gentle and timid, doing little to push her forward. The weather is hesitant, like her, and the night is far too calm. It would be better, she thinks, if the sky would part with rain and crack with thunder and lighting and drown out all of her misery. Maybe tonight is the wrong night and she should wait a day, a week, a year. Maybe all nights will be the wrong one. 

Eleanor takes a deep breath and continues on. Leaves crunch underfoot, but if they make her presence known then there is no one close enough to care. She presses forward, each step heavy with the weight of her decisions and what she knows that she will have to do. Though her heart protests louder and stronger with every step closer to her destination. 

Home, love, Joseph-- it’s what she wants, what she dreams of having, and she knows that she can have it with him. She can picture it all so clearly in her mind that sometimes she thinks that all she has to do is reach out and it will all be right there, waiting for her. Would it really be so bad to take this for herself and damn the consequences? Damn those who would see her heart broken? Would it be such a terrible thing to choose her own happiness this one time?

If her heart rebels then it’s her mind that keeps her moving. 

Joseph will be waiting for her in his home; in the place that’s been _theirs_ for so long now that it’s become more familiar to her than anywhere else in the county. Sparsely decorated, but with enough small touches that there's no mistaking it for anything else except for what it is. In the beginning she’d wondered why he’d kept it that way, without trinkets or memorabilia, why the Father wouldn’t have a house full to the brim with items from the church. It took some time to get him to tell her-- how there’s no permanence in material items and how one day everything must come to an end. The only thing he has in abundance are pictures of his family in photographs lining the walls and set carefully on every surface.

She wonders if he would keep a picture of her if he could. 

Or if she would keep a picture of him. 

Eleanor closes her eyes and breathes deep the cool night air, letting the storm inside her pass. Her heart has lead her this far and her heart will continue to guide her. 

There’s a light on inside the house and soft music playing through the open windows, but she can’t see Joseph through the curtains, though she knows he’s there. She can imagine him so clearly-- deep in thought at his desk, humming softly to himself, keeping time with the music, as he writes in his book. He always has so many ideas pouring from his head into words on the page, that he’ll share with the faithful once he’s ready. It’s a process she’s seen dozens of times by now and she knows him far too well. 

She doesn’t bother to knock because she knows that he’s waiting for her, that he’s expecting her as he always is, and more likely that he’ll be too lost in thought to notice. His temperament is more familiar to her than anything else.

The low light of the house calms her, though she worries for Joseph’s eyesight, as she always does when she spots him hunched over his desk, exactly as she thought she’d find him. He’s focused on his writing, scribbling away in a hurried, determined manner. If he notices the time and how late it’s gotten, then he doesn’t show it, and she’s a little concerned that he hasn’t looked up in hours. But it does give her a moment to just stand there and watch him. The line of his back, the breadth of his shoulders, and the intensity with which he throws himself into his work. He’s stunning like this; beautiful. 

She can see him in her mind, as he is now, but in a future where they grow old together. As she watches him fondly when he gets lost in his words, time and again. 

It makes her heart thump a quick beat in her chest. 

There are so many possibilities for what’s to come and she already knows which one they’ll have. 

Eleanor takes a step closer, moving in front of one of the lights, casting a shadow over Joseph and causing him to finally sit up and blink away whatever has grabbed his attention so thoroughly. He starts, dropping his pen on the desk, before he turns to her. His hair is messier than usual, with loose strands falling from where they’ve been pulled back and it’s clear he’s not planning to see anyone else besides her today. And there’s a tiredness to his eyes that’s not usual either. The fight over the county has been taking its toll on everyone, but he still smiles when he sees her, and pushes back from the desk to stand. 

“Eleanor,” he says, “you’re early.”

“Am I?” She looks out toward the window and the darkness beyond, then to the dimly lit room and to Joseph’s book. “How could you even tell?” She walks the rest of the way over to him and meets him where he stands. “Anyway, I wanted to see you.”

He frowns for a moment as if confused by what she said or perhaps the way she said it. She knows that she can’t keep the longing out of her voice, no matter how much she’d like to. 

“Is something wrong?”

“No, of course not,” Eleanor says. “It’s been a long day and all I’ve wanted was to be here with you.” After all of the choices and decisions and the demands of her heart, she is more than a little exhausted by it all. But she feels better with him. She feels happy and alive and like she’s the most important thing in his life, above all else. And maybe-- maybe that’s worth the cost of everything. “What are you working on?” It’s a deflection and she knows it, but she just wants to be here with him, in this moment, without having to worry about the rest of the world. 

Joseph glances at his book with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “A new sermon,” he says, “and some notes for another book. I want to talk about love, family, and what it is to know your place in the world with those who mean the most to you.” He gently takes her face between his hands and pulls her into a soft kiss, making her heart beat in double time. 

She cares for him more than she ever thought she would. 

“That sounds…” Eleanor swallows down her heart in her throat, trying to keep all of her emotions at bay. She can’t lose it now, not when she’s remained so strong for so long. “That sounds beautiful,” she says, doing everything she can not to choke on the uncertainty welling up inside of her. “I’m sure your siblings will appreciate hearing all of that from you.”

Joseph smiles again, so soft and fond, and all of it directed entirely at her. “It’s not only for them,” he says, so quiet she might have missed it if she weren’t listening only for his voice, “it’s for you as well. I wanted to tell you--”

She’s not ready to hear what he’s about to say because she _knows_, without a shadow of a doubt, what it will be. “Please, Joseph,” she says, ducking in for another kiss and taking his hands from her face to pull him toward the bedroom. It’s another deflection, at best, and she knows she won’t get away with it if she tries again. But she also can’t hear what he’s trying to tell her. Not yet. Though Joseph is smart and he probably knows her better than anyone else, and if he doesn’t know already that there are things she’s avoiding, then he will soon enough. 

He tugs her close again when they reach the bedroom and she can feel his smile through the kiss. There’s joy in the air that practically radiates from Joseph; a happiness that Eleanor doesn’t think she can attain. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met,” he says, reaching around her to push the door open. 

Eleanor doesn’t know how to respond to that. Not because it’s unexpected-- Joseph has never been one to hold back when there’s something on his mind-- but because she’s heard it before and this time it fractures something inside of her. She wants to hold his words deep in her heart forever, where nothing else in the world can touch them. Everything he says sounds like music and love and it’s overwhelming. 

She tightens her grip on his wrist instead and pulls him to the bed, dragging him down on top of her. “I want you,” she says. “I want--” another chance at a different path, where none of this fighting ever even had got to start-- “I want you to make me forget about everything else besides us, here, right now.”

“I will do anything for you,” he says, running his fingers down her chest and then lower to pop the button on her jeans and pull on the zipper. “Tell me what you want and you’ll have it.” He slides his hand inside to press between her legs, his long fingers giving just enough pressure to make her squirm. “_Anything._”’ He rubs at her clit over her underwear, as much as her tight jeans will allow, and she can feel herself getting wetter with every brush of his fingers. 

“Come on,” she says, tugging at his belt, nails digging into the hard leather. She just wants to forget anything that isn’t him, _them_, but her mind won’t stop racing from one thought to the next. Is she wrong for this, for what she’s doing? Is she wrong for all of it? Is there another option she hasn’t yet considered? She sighs, frustrated with herself more than anything, as she pushes and pulls at his jeans until she can get them down his thighs, and _finally_ he starts to help her get both of them undressed. She’s pretty sure that one of the buttons on her shirt goes flying when she scrambles to get it off and throw it on the floor along with her the rest of her clothes. 

She’s careful about where everything lands though, so that nothing gets lost, not even a sock. 

“Joseph,” Eleanor says, pushing him onto his back so that she can straddle his hips, digging her knees into the mattress for balance. “Show me that you meant it-- that you’ll give me anything I ask for.” And she even considers asking for everything, just to test that he’s telling her the truth. But she doesn’t, she can’t, so she lifts up, bracing one hand on his chest, and takes hold of his cock to position him at her entrance before she carefully sinks down with a contented sigh. It’s familiar in how he fills her perfectly, like they were made to fit each other. 

His eyes are so blue, even in the dim light of the room, and he sits up, wrapping one arm around her to pull her closer, shifting the angle of him inside of her. “Eleanor, I’d give you the world if I could.” He kisses her and rocks up as much as he can from his position, making the softest moan escape her lungs before she can hold it back. 

She tries to force him to go faster and take her harder, but of course Joseph is not one to be moved from the path he’s chosen, or to give up his control. Instead all she can do is fuck herself on his cock at the pace he’s set, just on the edge of too slow. Like he knows that it drives her mad and that’s only made him more determined. 

But he hits deep with every roll and thrust, making her feel every inch of him, and that’s maybe worse in how very good it is. He knows her body so well, as if they’ve become attuned to one another, and her breath shudders on an exhale when he leans down to take one of her nipples into his mouth. 

“Joseph,” she gasps, back arching to press closer. 

He licks and sucks for far too short a time, and then pulls away, leaving a kiss to her breast, and then a trail of gentle kisses up her neck until he reaches her lips again. There’s a look on his face that’s both tender and far too pleased with himself and the shivering mess he can reduce her too. His hand moves down, brushing so lightly over her skin that it tickles, and ends up back between her legs to rub circles over her clit in time with each roll of her hips. “Sometimes I can’t believe you were sent here for me,” he says, pressing another kiss to her throat. “I never thought--” he huffs a soft laugh, and she feels a warm puff of air against her neck-- “I never thought I would get to have this.”

Eleanor takes his face between her hands, the way he had done with her, and drags him into a stronger kiss that silences his words, keeping it all at bay for just a little while longer. She doesn’t want to hear about fate or destiny or _God_ right now, she just… she just wants to feel Joseph and nothing else. She lets him continue to take things slow, allowing him to continue at the pace he set without complaint, but she can feel the pressure start to build as what she wants remains just out of reach. 

“Please,” she says, pushing herself up on shaking thighs, and dropping back down, taking him in deep. “_Please._”

Joseph hums and cups her jaw with one hand, his thumb pressing against her lips in a way she can’t help but to take into her mouth as she’s unable to look away from him. He begins to work her clit faster, used to the way she feels in his arms and spread out on his lap, bouncing on his cock. And he knows exactly how to pull her right to the edge. “That’s good,” he says, working her just right, “let go.”

All of her senses condense down to a single focal point between her legs as Joseph’s fingers and cock pull desperate gasps from her throat. She loses her rhythm, so focused on her release that finally there’s nothing else on her mind but this. She takes everything, clenching down to see the way his eyes flutter shut for just a moment, as she rocks faster, grinding down on his hand, needing to see him lose all control when she does, knowing that _only she_ can make that happen. And he does as his focus slips, his breathing becoming more shallow and quick, though his fingers never stop moving. 

She comes, back pulling taut and thighs quivering, and every muscle in her body tightens for a moment as her breath catches in her throat unable to escape. She rides out every wave of pleasure with Joseph drawing it out until she’s afraid it will go on forever. 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers, finally pulling his fingers away to take her by the hips, leaving a wet trail of her own juices on her skin, so that he can fuck into her with a pace that only skirts the edge of rough. Even now, he’s still so careful with her. There’s sweat on his chest, and running down from his temple, and Eleanor only just has strength enough to meet every thrust. She wants this to go on forever as much us she wants to see his face when he finally comes. There’s an openness to him at that moment, something that no one else can see because no one else can get this close. 

Because no one else has his heart. 

He comes with a groan, pulling her flush to him, and she meets his mouth in a kiss as he goes still. His fingers press into her skin, surely leaving marks behind for later when everything is over. Something to remember all of this by. 

Joseph looks at her, soft and so full of warmth, and brushes her hair back from where it’s fallen loose around her face. “There is no one else like you,” he says, before she can stop him. “I love you, Eleanor. I’ve loved you since the very beginning.”

It’s too much and exactly what she was afraid of. She doesn’t know where to look or what to do with her hands, and all at once the reality of the situation hits her, bringing this perfect night crashing down around her. “Joseph, I--” She pulls off of him and drops to the bed at his side, her fingers twisting in the sheets as she tries to remember how to breathe, “I--”

“You don’t have to say anything,” he tells her, so kind and loving, breaking her heart just a little more, “I didn’t mean to overwhelm you, but I want you to know-- you _deserve_ to know-- you deserve the world.”

Eleanor’s heart continues to shatter in her chest, piercing her with splintered fragments that she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to put back together. She loves this man more than anything, but she knows-- _she knows_\-- that she can’t stay with him here on this island, as part of his Project. Her life and her future aren’t in a bunker waiting out the end of the world. There are too many people counting on her to save them from all of the things Joseph and his family have done and what they will continue to do if no one stops them. She’s been left with no choice except to put aside her own heart so that she can do what has to be done for the good of the county. 

The rest of the Seeds have to die and Joseph will never forgive her for that. 

She had tried for so long to find another way, or to convince herself that this didn’t have to happen, because she wanted to believe that she could choose another path. But there isn’t one.

There can’t be. 

“Joseph,” she says again, her eyes wet with tears and her voice cracking with heartbreak. She wants to tell him that she loves him too, but she thinks that will only make things worse. It’s better if he comes to believe that she never loved him at all. At least, she hopes so. 

He smiles at her, kind and loving and everything she wants to return to him a thousand fold, as he wipes away at her cheek. “You don’t have to say anything now,” he says. “I only wanted you to know how I feel. How you make me feel. You are the greatest gift to come into my life.”

She leans into him, pressing her face to his neck and holding him close because if this is all she’ll have, then she doesn’t want to give it up yet. She wants to keep him a little longer. 

“Come on,” he says, pushing the ruined bedsheets down to the foot of the bed where they’re out of the way, and wrapping his arms around her so that they can get comfortable tangled up together on the bed. “I’ve spent so long imagining what the future will hold after the collapse, but I never thought I’d have someone like you there with me. I want to share the new world with you and our family.”

Eleanor sobs, pressing even closer to him. In a better world they could have that future he dreams of, where they’re together, and where they can simply be happy and in love, without consequence or thought. But in this world she’s going to have to kill everyone Joseph loves to save the innocent people of the county, and his love for her will turn to a bitter hate. 

She shouldn’t have been so selfish as to take this last night together because it’s only going to make things worse, but she couldn’t let him go yet. 

He touches her cheek and kisses her forehead, unaware of the way her heart is breaking. “Shh, rest now,” he says, “and we can talk in the morning.” 

Eleanor nods, knowing they’ll never talk like this again. “Will you tell me about your sermon?” she asks. “The one you were writing when I got here.”

“Of course,” he says, and she can tell that he’s smiling, though she can’t see his face. 

She falls asleep to the sound of his voice and the crushing weight of what the dawn will bring. 

*

Eleanor wakes to a silent room and the faintest touch of sunlight over the horizon that she catches a glimpse of through the window. Joseph’s arms are wrapped around her like that’s where they belong, and the temptation to _stay_ and give up on her ideas of justice keep her in place longer than she has time for. If she stays too long, if Joseph wakes up, then she doesn’t trust that her resolve won’t crumble. She can’t see his face when he realises what she’s about to do. 

She doesn’t cry again, though she fears it’s only because she’s becoming numb inside. There’s protection and comfort in not feeling anything at all. She slips out of bed as careful and quiet as a mouse, more practiced in the art of sneaking than she ever thought she could be. Her movements are stiff and her muscles are sore, but worse is the ache in her heart that she can only hope fades soon as the numbness grows. The best she can wish for now really is that she stops feeling anything at all before the heartbreak destroys her.

The room is still dark, everything cast in shadows that spread across the floor, and she has to dress without disturbing Joseph’s sleep. She spares quick glances at him, it’s all she can give without wanting to curl up back in his arms, but she has to make sure he hasn’t noticed she left the bed. She loves him and she thinks she’s always going to love him, and she wants to remember him like he is now, instead of what she knows he’ll be later whenever he sees her again. Hurt, confused, upset, and then angry.

It’s a dark thought that makes her wish for hate to fill his heart fast enough to ease the pain she’s going to cause him. It’s easier that way. 

She gives one final look before she turns to the door, footsteps light on the cold floor in spite of how she feels heavy with guilt. She takes a deep breath, hands braced on the doorknob, then she leaves the bedroom, and then the house, and then any chance of a future with the man she loves. Joseph had offered her another path, but there was never really any other choice. She will save the people of Hope County no matter what the cost to her own heart. She will finish this fight.


End file.
